Dazai and Odasaku's grave
He’ll never see Ango again, he decides. If they need to contact the Sepcial ability division, or if the Special divsion needs to contact them - it’ll happen another way. He won’t be here; someone else will go to them. He’ll get in conatct directly with Taneda. And, outisde of work, he’ll never, ever, meet Ango again.
He wants to. This, at least, he’ll admit ot himself. But he can’t be trusted around Ango. It seems he still ahsn’t understand - what he feels for ango, being anger or hatred or resentment or - that feeling he has refused to nale, to own up to, for four ears - it’ll only ever go one way.
It’s unfair to impose on Ango his anger or his lashing tou.
He wants to see him. He wants to have Ango in his life, in any way, but. What he wants that much he’ll never keep. What he wants this much he’ll never have.
He’s done good, those past two years. He helped atsushi in all the ways he never did akutagawa; he needled kunikidda without drinvign him to the kind of murderous rage he regularly frove chuuya. He’s done good; he’s helped. He saved people, even though someone like him could never do anything righteous. But like Kyouka, he’s more than that.
But one can’t turn from one’s nature that much. Even though he swore to himself he wouldn’t hurt ango again - he can still see his face.
He doesn’t deserve to have him back. He can needle Chuuya, and advise Akutagawa, and tease and jokes with his new team.
He can’t have Ango back. It’s only fair; neither of them can have Odasaku back, how could they come back to each otehr ?
He sist besides Odasaku’s grave and closes his eyes. What would ODasaku have done ? What would ODasaku want him to do ? What would hi friend tell him ?
He wants ODasaku back with the same fierceness he want ango bakc. He misses him every day, and nothing can be done about it.
What would the world be like, if ODasaku had not ided that day ? Would eitehr of them ever had the strength to reach out to Ango again ? WOuld Odasaku have found the determination to leave the mafia? Would Dazai had followed him ?
WOuld Ango have reached out ? Ango, who came back to Lupin knowing nothing good would come of it and couldn’t prevent himself from saying his wishes otu loud. Ango, who came as soon as he called, even expecting nothing but threats and hostility ; ANgo, who helped despite it all. Ango, who keeps giving away information like he doesn’t know the value of it.
Ango would have reache dout, sooner or later, had Odasaku not ided. Dazai believes it. WOuld he have accepted it ? WOuld ODasaku have ?
Dazai wants to believe Odasaku would have. But if he’s honest with himself - as he hasn’t been regarding Ango in way too long - he wants to because then he would be free to. It would be the right thing to do. But. But
As much as Ango’s expression before he ran away hants him, teh look in his eyes when he woke up -
-What was he thinking, Odasaku ?
Of course, even if ODasaku knows, a grave can’t answer.
What was Ango thinking looking at him to give him such an expression ? Was he disgusted to have the demon prodigy of the mafia in his home ? Did he see the friend who ahd thrown him away and hurled insults at him act like nothing was wrong, as if he wasn’t owed any apology himself ?
Did he understand - that all the anger dazai had directed at him, he actually directed at himself ? Did he know the one to blame for Odasaku’s death was Dazai and no one else, for seing too late, for nto havign the words, for exposing ango when ango’s help was the only way he could have reached Odasaku that day ?
-Why didn’t you listen to me, odasaku…
Why did his friend leave him alone in this world , havign lost the warmth of those night, the comfort of this friendship ? In this endless dark that was his existence, he had so few respite. How could odasaku eave him?
How selfish of him. He’s the one who should have died.