Ango and Odasaku's grave
-I want him in my life, Odasaku-san.
It’s the first time he talks in front of this grave. He came rarely, nd stayed silent every time, keenly aware he didn’t have the right to be there, even less the right to ask for forgiveness or to confess his sins or to tell about whta he’s doing.
-No amtter the rprice, even if all I can have is his hatred, even if it’s only possible through the parts of him shrouded in darkness - I cant him not have him in my life Odasaku-san.
The grave, of course, doesn’t answer.
-I’m aware I shoudln’t. I staid away for four yeras, I kept away until he called for me, I stayed true to the need of not bending to him, but. I can’t anymore.
He can feel Odasaku’s judgement on him.
-I know this is not good for him; if all I do is drive him to dwelve into his worst instincts, then I shouldn’t go near him. I know, Odasaku-san. You wouldn’t want me to hurt him further. I tried. I helped, and left, and did my best to no further harm, to inflict no more pain. BUt. I can’t do that anymore.
He’s crying.
-I never wanted to hurt either of you. I was trying, I tried - I know it’s not enough, but I wanted to keep you and Gide away from each otehr until he could be dealt by someone else. I didn’t want you to die. I wish you were here.
Another silence.
-You would be so proud of him, you know.
He’s still crying.
-You would be happy for him. I wish you were here to see him, I wish you were to stop me, I wish you were here. You should be here.
Now that he’s started, he can’t stop.
-I’m so sorry, Odasaku-san. I hurt you, and I failed to rpoetct you, and I swear I tried with Dazai-kun too, to do what you would have done, to stay away, to - But I can’t anymore. I can’t not have him in my life anymore, even if it’s to his detriment as well as mine.
Somehow, he’s now on his knees.
-I wish we didn’t break. I wish my truth had been hidden forever, if it meant you were alive, even if Dazi-kun would still be in the mafia, if it meant we could still met, thre three of us, and drink together - I wish the lies had been truth, I wihs -
He stops himself. The words are slurred through the tears, anyway. He takes a deep breath. Agian, and again, difficultly at first, and with more ease as he forces himself through it. WIpes his tears, stands up.
-My apologies, Odasaku-san. You asked me not to ask for the impossible. It’s disgraceful of me to force my regrets and wishes on you when you can’t stop me anymore. You don’t have to listen to my sins. I just wanted to inform you of what I’m going to do. You have the right to know.
His eyes tear up again, but he stops talking, and breaths again. Then, he bows, in apology, and stays a few minutes more, silent and calm, giref and guilt once again tucked inside. Finally, he leaves.