-What excuse will you give now ?
-So, what excuse will you give now for saying no ?
Dazai sounds defeated, which is not a very Dazai-like tone. Defeat implies hope and wishes, after all, and for a man who understands the world as one where nothign worth wanting will, not be lsot immediately - defeat doesn’t exist.
But that’s how he sounds right now.
ANgo doesn’t know how to answer him. He can only look.
It’s true, he said no all this time. It always was - what he had to do. Because it wasnt right. BEcaus etwasn’t what dazai wanted. Because it was part of a scheme, because dazai didn’t need to offer himself to have what heneeded from Ango.
None of that was excuses, and yet despite it all Dazai sounds tired in a way he never lets himself sound.
What excuses will he give this time?
Once, a 17 years old tried to seduce him. He wasn’t - realy thinkign back then, about the age thing. The 17 years old was a highly ranked mafia memeber, had a darkness and emptiness in his eyes that scared people, was his dear friend who deserved so much happiness that life would ever give him.
Ango was 21, and a spy, and his own happiness existed outside of everything every organization asked of him, in quiet night in a bar with slow rock playing, and friends by his side. He was too selfish to give up that place; he gave himself excuses for why he wasn’t pushing them away, pulling himsekf out.
Only heartbreak awaited them, even as Ango found himself wishing that the lies would last forver. He could give excuses; pulling away would be suspicious, and so would be dagerous, and si he didn’t let go of this quiet place of peace the three of them existed in.
He didn’t want to lsoe it. It was, actually, easy to reject that 17 years old and tell him that no, it will never happen, he only thinks of him as a friend.
Dazai didn’t believe him. Not then. But he could understand a no.
Once upon a time, a heartbroken man broke into his appartment to threaten him; more than once, in those first few months. It would have been so easy, to let that an take his revenge on him, in whatever way he wished to. Ango felt like his heart would take that better.
But It was a lost, hurt, in pain kid, on the bringe of adulthood, and it was not what he needed. No matter what Ango in his own self-destruction wished for, he refused to bring more than one friend down with him.
He wanetd to hold him close and let him heal with him. He wanted to let him close enough to stab, the blood washing away all sins. He wanted to scream and scratch and maybe, maybe, get out of here empty himself.
But he couldn’t go back to the bar, and he had been forbidden for saying anything more.
He was selfish enough to want his friend back one day. SO he forced the distance they both needed to heal with destorying each other.
It was not each to reject that angry young man, and Dazai-kun needed mroe than a no to understand.
But with a grave between them, he let go.
Not so long ago, a man with a smile less empty than his eyes tries to propose him a business arrangment.
That one was ridiuclous enough.
But Ango couldn’t tell himself he didn’t want.
ANd today, his friend is lookign at him, hurt, not empty for all his grief, and ango has no excuses. He never did.
But he always wanted, from taht crying 17 years old who had no tears, to that hurt man who wanted to hurt him and destroy everyoneg. Of course he did. BUt.
But.
Dazai didn’t, right ?