Ango, at the start
Chief Taneda is considering giving him a promotion due to his excellent work in the recent Mimic affair. Ango doesn’t think his work was excellent. From his point of view, it was a total failure. He lost his cover in the mafia. He failed to keep the secrets of the Special Divison and shared many of them freely. And despite doing that, he failed his self-assigned goal.
The moment he understood Mimic’s goal and Gide’s power, he knew how the story would end. He was the one person who could prevent it; as someone with a position in all three involved organizations, he should have been able to prevent that fateful meeting. Having failed to do that, something could have been arranged so that Gide would be taken care of before he managed to motivate Odasaku.
The mission was a failuer, in Ango’s eyes. He failed to protect his cover, his friendships, and more damnably, his friend. But the situation was resolved to satisfaction, said Chief Taneda, and it was in part thanks to your effort, Sakaguchi-kun, and you should feel proud.
Ango doesn’t feel proud. The idea that the resolution of ‘the situation’ is thanks to him doesn’t make him feel proud, not at all.
He stands silent about the grave. It exists because of him; he doesn’t have the right to say anything here. He doesn’t even truly have the right to be there with flowers. Superfluous flowers; there are already flowers on the grave, and Ango knows who brought them here. He wonders; if that night, Dazai-kun had made true on his threat and captured him, got all the information he didn’t know how to give - he was there to give them all the information he had, and yet he couldn’t bing himself to betray the Division completely, limit himself to Mimic’s information; if force was needed to get the rest out of him, then where was the problem ? - if they captured him, got everything out of him, would Odasaku-san still be alive ? Whatever sentiment led Dazai-kun to spare him that night, they’re now both alive to regret it.
That’s when his phone rings.
Dazai-kun is not talking to him, looking out of the window. Ango abused his position, that he doesn’t even have yet, to get him released in his custody. But Dazai-kun should not have been arrested to begin with. He’s a member of the Port Mafia - and Executive of the Port Mafia. They do not get arrested for their crimes; if they do, they’re released with apologies when the evidence disappear and pressure is exerted over the higher-ups. And Dazai-kun - is not the sort to make mistakes that’ll get him arrested to begin with.
But he looks like he hasn’t eaten in a week. Or slept. Ango understands; he hasn’t eaten or slept either. Probably, he should not be driving now. But the thought of sleeping - of dreaming - make him feel sick enough to hurl the content of his stomach. Which is empty. Because he didn’t eat. Because the thought of eating makes him feel sick too. He doesn’t deserve to eat.
But Dazai-kun should. His streak of self-destruction has visibly been sent overdrive by Odasaku-san’s death, but he doesn’t deserve to punish himself over it. Above all, it can’t be what Odasaku-san would have wanted.
Ango considers saying so for a moment; but, outside of how condescending that would be, to a kid who has never taken kindly to condescension and he’s smarter and more capable than him by orders of magnitude, he feel like should he dare to say odasaku-san’s name; worse, to invoke him to get Dazai to act the way he wants, will probably get him killed instantly. Which he would deserve. And while his death would be a cheap price to pay to get Dazai-kun out of his despair, and to pay for causing Odasaku’s death, it would achieve neither, and his self-preservation is still somewhat functional.
He stays silent. A meal and a bed will have to do, until Dazai-kun feels like talking.
Dazai-kun is, probably unsurprisingly, glaring at the food. Ango is busying himself in the kitchen, having prepared nothing for himself. It would be too much to hope it escaped Dazai-kun’s notice, but Ango is past caring from that. Dazai-kun’s opinions of him can”t get lwer. No, truly, all he wants to know is :
-Why did you have call for me ?
So much for waiting until Dazai-kun is ready to talk. Truly, if looks could kill, Ango would be dead multiple times by now. Dazai-kun’s gaze is dark when he looks at him, in a way he has never seen him. Rather than the emptiness of his worst moments, this is true anger, and true hatred. It feels unfair, really, that it is not effective on dropping Ango dead on the spot.
For a minute, Ango entertains the thought that testing if he could kill him with his mind was the true reason he was called after Dazai-kun’s arrest.
-…There was no one else. I can’t - I won’t return to the Mafia.
That’s - unexpected. As Ango opens his mouth to say something, he suddenly recognizes Dazai-kun’s mood. It changed since the car. Now it’s - more like. More like.
His thoughts shy away from recollecting that moment which lives in his heart, replaying again and again, Dazai-kun, opening truly for the first time, just as everything comes crashing down.
There was no way to save them.
But no, it’s not like that. Dazai-kun will never open up to him like that again. He already accepted that. But, oh couldn’t Odasaku-san still be there for him, at least.
The memory of Odasaku-san’s quiet kindness and strength hit him once again, lost to the world.
It is a poorer world, that doesn’t have Odasaku-san in it. It’s a poorer life, that doesn’t include Odasaku-san in it. Death is like that; absolute.
Oblivious to the paths Ango’s thoughts have strayed too, Dazai-kun continues, bringing Ango’s attention back to him.
-That’s what he asked me. At the end. He told me - he told me.
Ango sits. He can only wait and listen, while Dazai-kun struggles against the words that don’t want to come out. He probably doesn’t want to share Odasaku-san’s last moments with Ango, and yet he feels the need to share what was asked of him.
Whatever it was, Ango knows too well Odasaku-san’s care for Dazai-kun for it to be anything that would hurt him.
…No, it could only be something for Dazai-kun’s sake, and just like that Ango knows. What does Dazai-kun need ? Many, many things, that no one in the world is apt to give him. No one would even know what it is, but Dazai-kun himself. What he needs, he will have to find, and reach for, and possibly create himself. But it will never be possible while the Mafia eats his soul alive, like it did Odasaku’s, like the Division is eating Ango’s.
(he doesn’t deserve a promotion, that will take him out of the darkness where he belongs, now. After the years passed undercover, betraying everyone, everything, and even himself, he’s too dirty to change.)
What Dazai-kun needs doesn’t exist - but out of the Mafia, in the light, helping people - he might find out what makes life worth living. He might see things that you don’t lose just as you get them. He might find something worth wanting, and keep it. That’s all Ango can wish for, and he thinks that’s what Odasaku-san would have wanted for Dazai-kun too.
…and while his thoughts had drifted, Dazai-kun seems to have read his mind. The smile on his lips, mocking and cheerful, is the best barrier Dazai-kun has. BUt that he’s able to put up that front again - Ango will take it.
- I guess there’s no need to tell you then ! After all - and his tone turn sinister, in the way only Dazai-kun knwos how - you already know, don’t you ?
THis monster, this teen, this Prt Mafia member, this man, this kid - he’s Ango’s freind, and Ango knows him. There’s no need, really, to pretend to be anyone but who he is. Lost and shaking, or full of grief and anger, or pushing people away by playing up the cheerfulness - this is Dazi-kun, petty and brilliant and searching. Against his better judgement, Ango feels his heart swell with love. He gets himself a plate and start eating.
-I think I can get your crimes erased and the record of your arrest deleted. As for what’s next, do you have any idea ?