Dazai, at the start
He still feels Odasaku’s blood on his hands. It’s not the first blood that has tainted him; he didn’t spill that one. Nothing before touched him like that.
The Mafia buried Odasaku. Nothing was marking the emplacement. As far as he’s concerned, that’s the first thing to rectify.
It takes three days. Getting someone to put up a Stone; engraving it himself. When it’s done, he realizes he hasn’t eaten or slept.
That’s probably not what Odaskau wanted.
-…Be on the side that helps people, hm…
He doesn’t know where to begin with that. Leaving the Mafia is not something you just [italic]do.[/italic] Mori is not going to let go of him so easily. So, first, he needs to disappear.
And just like that, eating and sleeping leaves his mind.
When he next notices his surroundings, he winces. This is not the place he should be at, if he wants to disappear. Next to Bar Lupin is somewhere he will be found - and sooner rather than later.
He wished the memories that came back to him was the night they took photos, or any of the night before. But it isn’t. It’s not even the bar he remembers; it’s opening the safe Odasaku found in Ango’s room, and understanding that Ango was never his to lose. He remembers the hunch something was wrong when he saw the folded damp umbrella. He wished he could have stayed ignorant. Lie or not, those nights, he was close to happy. But now all he can think about is that Odasaku never will come there again. Even should Ango comes back - and he won’t, he left, he left them, he abandoned the photo behind, it’s over - those nights will never come back.
He doesn’t want Ango to come back anyway. All this is his fault to begin with. He should have taken better care with his cover; Odasaku would have listened to him, he would have listened to them if they had both told him to wait. He should have been true in the first place; Odasaku would not have fallen into despair so easily if Ango hadn’t push them into it first. He should have told them everything. He should have never accepted to come there.
What is the point, though, of assigning blame ? What can revenge bring him ? This is not what Odasaku told him to do.
But this anger is the first thing he’s truly felt since Odasaku’s blood has cooled down. For that reason, he clings to it. And remembers
- Right - Ango probably doesn’t know where his grave is, does he ?
He spends a few more days wondering around, sleeping in abandonned warehouse, looking for his safehouse not known byt the Mafia, see if Mori actually knows about them. So far he did.
He stops sleeping. Waking up to reality is too painful. AS for eating - he never had really any good eating habits, he doesn’t even notice stopping. The no-showering is starting to bother him, but the idea of finding someplace safe to clean up is tiring in itself.
Wandering around like that, he was bound to be arrested for the stupidest reason sooner or later. He doesn’t care, not really, but -
Odasaku asked him to do good, didn’t he ? He can’t do that in the Mafia; he can’t do that from prison. He needs - he needs his record cleaned up.
He can only think of one person who could, and who might, achieve that.