Car crash, 1
None of this is Ango’s fault and Dazai doesn’t care about that. LEt the question of whose fault it is and who to blame to better people than himself. He’ll follow Odasaku’s last words and be on the side that helps people; he said nothing about being a good man, about being fair, about forgiveness. For such a man as himself, the question of Ango’s fault is irrelevant; Ango he will blame and Ango he will hate.
Thinking about him still freezes his heart and summons the darkness out of his soul. He’ll make him pay, should he ever see him again, for everything. All the pain, and hurt , and deaths of those few days. He’ll take his revenge on that man and feel nothing. He won’t call it justice; justice is not for men such as he. Fairness, justice, deserving, all that - it’s not who he is.
He sits in front of Odasaku’s grave and doesn’t think that. HE thinks in a bar and doesn’t think that.
He sits in front of Odasaku’s grave and think of the man who’s grieving like he is. He sits in a bar and remember his friends.
BUt it’s late at night, and early in the morning; the sun is shining and the rain is pouring, and he’ll remember, and he’ll know, and he will put a name and a face on all his pain and misery, and swear he’ll make him pay. Whether it’s his fault has no bearing on it.
HE’ll stand at the edge of a building and take a step back, because he still hasn’t make him pay. He’ll stand on a bridge and take a step back because he hasn’t kept his promise, either.
He’ll sit at a grave and cry, and know that it might not be possible to take this revenge and be a man that helps people. He’ll udnerstand how someone could think killing would take away his right to write. If he destroys this person he lvoes as he longs to, the man he will be won’t be able to care for a friend’s last words.
He drinks in a bar. HE’s alone. He’ll always be, now.
He hates him, taht’s what he’s thinking when he sees him again. HE’s not thinking. He’s not feeling. Suddenly, all the pain and rage he thought behind him, he though he ahd left when he let himself captured by teh mafia for the sake pof the enwest agency’s member, it’s all back and he feels like a demon again. THis young demon, this teen prodigy who had nothing but cruelty in his veins.
This man should not have accepted to meet him.
HE aims from the back.
HE doesn’t want to see his face, doesn’t want to see what he looks like, doesn’t want to see his eyes or see him hidden behind glasses.
This man is too good an actor anyway; Dazai would not be able to trust anything he sees. He doesn’t want to.
THe gun isn’t heavy enough. And the agency needs him. HE can restrain himself. He can contain hsi turmoil.
HE’ll make him pay, someday.
The plan comes to him as he looks at the car.