Timetravel AU
-I’m just wondering how I could entreat you to some no-strings attached sex.
Dazai has told him some truly insane things through their acquaintance. Most of them have not turned that bad for Ango, but the former demon prodigy has blackmailed and threatened him so many times - what could possibly make him think Ango would have sex with him.
His silence must say as much, because Dazai continues:
-I’m attracted to you. You’re attracted to me. Surely there doesn’t need to be another reason.
Ango turns half-away - keeps him in the corner of his eye without looking at him.
-I wouldn’t feel safe. No.
Because he’s only keeping an eye on him due to afore-said wariness, Ango doesn’t catch clearly the expression that crosses Dazai’s face at that. It’s gone in an instant. Still, it’s because of that that he thinks through Dazai’s next proposition:
-What would make you feel safe enough? Handcuffs ? Leverage ? I’m open to negotiation.
That’s - a little desperate, honestly. And, yes Ango IS attracted to him. Enough that he takes the time to consider. But :
-I would never feel safe enough, no matter what. It’s no.
And he starts to leave.
That’s when the memories hit.
He expected it. That’s the price he paid. Objectively speaking, that he will never have Ango’s friendship or trust, that he will never see Ango smile at him with that quiet fondness, that relaxation he shows when he lets himself be free - that’s a lesser price for what he got out of it in this world.
He would not do anything differently, to save Odasaku. Both Odasaku and Ango live; Odasaku is free from the mafia, and so is Ango, even if he’s not free of Dazai. (he is, every threat was empty - but he doesn’t know that, and it’s a price he can pay for this life, this good life). He’s doing good, and Odasaku is by his side, and they’re happy.
It’s a good life, he would even rather keep living. It’s a bearable pain, not having Ango’s affection, but only his distrust and almost disgust. He can deal, even if Ango has become friend with Odasaku.
If he hadn’t seen him smile - if he hadn’t been reminded how long it’s been since Ango last smiled at him like that - that he never did in this world -
He was content. He still is. But it hurts more than he expected.
And then Ango stumbles, catches the door frame and seems to freeze.
Dazai stands up, about to go to him, ask - and Ango turns towards him, unreadable.
-Did you mean it? About being attracted to me.
What is going on ?
-Yes.
Ango nods, expression still fixed. Dazai is franctically trying to catch what he missed, what changed, what could possibly be going through his mind, but Ango has already crossed the three steps distance between them. His hands cups his face, oh so softly, like he’s precious, and Dazai doesn’t understand.
There’s almost the beginning of a smile on Ango’s mouth, his eyes show - Dazai doesn’t have parse what emotion - when Ango catches his lips with his own, tenderly, softly. Plays a little. He grabs Ango’s shirt, answer the kiss, trying to keep any focus on what happened ? but this is as good as he ever dreamed it, Ango touching him care and affection and just a hint of hunger - of longing and yearning.
It’s over too soon.
-Ango…
Ango can’t help his smile at the way Dazai-kun say his name, at the emotion in it. Reluctantly, he lets go.
-There are some things I need to be doing right now - but if you don’t change your mind in the meantime, please call me tonight ?
Dazai-kun is still holding onto him, a little dazed. He’s certainly going to put things together soon, and it might change things. But Ango wanted to at least have this. If Dazai-kun doesn’t figure it out on his own, he’ll tell him. He will. But at least - his lips are still tingling. He’ll always have this memory at least.
He’d stay longer - he’d be there when Dazai-kun figures it out, but.
He really, really needs to see Odasaku-san. He feels like he’ll break apart if he doesn’t, if he doesn’t merge the self defined by his loss with the one who never lied to him - he needs to see Odasaku-san alive.
Something changed, and Dazai can’t figure out what. Still, he can ask:
-So, you’d feel safe ?
Ango laughs at that, soft and amused.
-You’d never be safe. But. That’s okay with me.
He smiles, one last time, as if Dazai is the dearest person in the world to him, and leaves.
-….I’ve never seen him smile like that.
Ango’s smiles are all soft and small and beautiful and rare and each of them comes form nothing but affection. Dazai has always treasured them, even back then, when he cut everything between them, when he knew he could have them back with a few efforts but could not let go of his resentment.
(he was terrified. He lost Ango, and then Odasaku, but at least Ango was alive. At least Chuuya was still alive, and in leaving the Mafia Dazai decided - he will lose them like that, and never like he lost Odasaku.
He didn’t let himself get close to the Agency, until he did, until he started to let himself want again, as if maybe he had lost enough that he could keep things now -
And look at how that ended)
But he hasn’t lost anything in this world except Ango’s smile, and Akutagawa’s hero worship. That seems like such a cheap price.
So.
He never acted like anything but a monster to Ango. Here.
…He can’t hope. Maybe it’s some new kind of mindcontrol ability, or some emotions-inducing drug, or something. It can’t be real.
He knew after all - even if he befriended this version of Ango, it would never be the same as apologizing and forgiving his own Ango. Ango is Ango, in a remarkably consistent way, and no matter what Dazai would always fall for him. But it would not do anything for his grief or his regrets.
So, what was this ?