Ango and the book
When Ango touches the book, he passes out. Dazai reaches out, but Akutagawa catches him before he falls down. Dazai arrives later and carefully separates Ango and the book. Ango is trembling in his arms; in front of him, Atsushi, Akutagawa, Kunikidda and Chuuya are all looking at him weirdly. He doesn’t really have the bandwith to care about that right now. What did Ango see ?
-Dazai-kun -
-I’m here Ango. It’s okay.
-Dazai-kun, I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry…
Dazai startles badly at that - in all those years, he never heard Ango aopolgize in that tone, truly full of regret and remorse; Ango is clinging to him, and the unexpetecd flinch from dazai couldn’t let any distance between them.
-I saw it, Dazai-kun - the world we were looking for, I saw it, I’m sorry, I know - I know you’d find the price worth it and - it’s a world where he lives, where he writes, and - I’m sorry, I didn’t know there could be too high a price for that, but -
What did he see ? What could be so terrible ? What could make him cry like that, softly, in Dazai’s arms, as if his heart was breaking - worse even, because Dazai knows what Ango looks like when his heart is breaking, none of them could escape the terrible reality that night, and Ango was trying to hold any part of it together, but it could only be a dream, so, if they could bring him back, what could be too high ?
-I’m sorry, I know you wouldn’t find it high a price at all, but I couldn’t - I swear, Dazai-kun, you shouldn’t, don’t-
Ango has lost all coherences, and Dazai really really wants to know what he’s talking about.
But Atsushi has taken the book and Akutagwa is standing guard over him.
Seems like the mad mafia dog has made a choice and left his mentor. That’s good, certainly, but Dazai could do with help right now - whatever he saw, Ango will never tell him, that much is obvious for the quite pleas for forgiveness and the tears.
If he believed Ango were the one to pay the price in whatever world he saw, this would be easy. He could give up here and now. He could promise him that he will never make it truth. But Ango would not be in this state if he was. He is not pleading for himself.
What could have happened to him there, then, that Ango thinks the present state of matter preferable ?
He wants to hold him close and promise whatever he needs to make this heratbreak stop, but he can’t. He wants to know how he can make sure that Ango never feels it over whatever he does and feels in that other world. For that he would pay any price.
-It’s too much, Dazai-kun - don’t do it, please -
Dazai looks up. The rest of the Agency is coming.
He doesn’t want to let go of Odasaku. A world where he lives and writes - no price he would pay could be too high. But Ango is breaking against him, and he knows - any of the people in front of him would refuse that he pays whatever price Ango saw. Whatever it is, they would also find it too high.
All of them, or Odasaku - he could make sure they never even knew, never had any reason to cry for him - he’s a selfish man, he’s not a righteous man - Akutagawa is guarding Atsushi, though.
Chuuya is looking at him.
Kunikida is watching the scene, perpelxed but ready to act.
This is his world. It’s beautiful.
"this world is beautiful, Ango", he murmurs.
"but he’s not here", he continues. "He’s not here."
"…I know. He’s not here."
Ango is crying, now. Like he can’t get the words out, like he can’t express the conclusion it is better this way, nor can he tell Dazai that the price would be worth it.
Kunikida is the first to approch and he kneels in front of them.
-That’s - the way of the world, Dazai, Sakuguchi-san. Sometimes - sometimes you can’t save people. And - and you have to keep living. You - you can love the world you’re in even if they’re not there anymore. It doesn’t mean - it desn’t mean you don’t love them anymore.
Dazai realizes he’s crying too.
-Odasaku…
-I’m sorry, Dazai-kun -
Not once in those garbled words has Ango apologized to Odasaku, for letting him down, for giving up on bringing him back. Of course he didn’t.
Odasaku would not want him to pay that price either.
If he knew what it was, he wouldn’t find it that high. He can’t imagine any price he wouldn’t find cheap for a world where Odasaku lives and writes, as long as he’s the one to pay it. Even if other people paid it too, because any price he pay would probably ends up with him doing truly heinous things. But. For a world where ODasaku lives and writes. It coudln’t be too high. It could never be anything but cheap.
He could make sure none of those whose hearts would break with his - that’s the thing about love, your heart break with theirs, he knowws, he knows, he knows, he remembers - would ever have cause to tie themselves to him that way. Ango would never cry like that over him. Kunikida would not look at him so softly, Atsushi and Akutagawa would not stand there worried about him. Chuuya - Chuuya he’d make sure would truly hate him.
Ango is calming down, and leaving his arms. He looks somber, but composed. He closes his eyes. What does he see ? Once again he seems overwhelmed by misery. But when he reopens his eyes, he looks determined.
-What will you do, Dazai-kun ?
Dazai looks around him, still crying at the mere idea of letting go of Odasaku, accepting this world is the world he lives in now. He hasn’t made his decision.
Atsushi has passed the book to Ranpo, and approaches.
-Dazai-san - I would not pretend to udnerstand what you’re feeling, but. Whatever you decide, I’m sure it’s the right decision. I know you’re a good person. You’ll do the right thing.